I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
This is my life. Enjoy the view
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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