my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
