I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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