I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
No I am not eating basil off your cock
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
