I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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