You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
