A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
