As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
