he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize