I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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