I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
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