Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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