So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Randomize
