you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
