Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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