This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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