I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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