So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Randomize
