i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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