I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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