i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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