I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
