Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
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This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
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I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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