There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
