Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
