i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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