We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
