The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Randomize
