If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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