I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
