They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
