Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
