He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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