A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
