just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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