Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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