Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
