first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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