just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
