i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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