I cannot find my penis.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
A bitchslap is in order.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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