So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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