Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
