goodnight i made you a song goodbye
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
