I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Two words: nipple clamps
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