Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
