6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
