remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
