Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
It's rum buckets o'clock
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize