We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
