can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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