This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
