my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
