Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
