we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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