I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
