Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
