are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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